The Role of Confession In Healing Featuring "Auntie" Anne Beiler [Podcast Transcript]

Title: The Role of Confession In Healing Featuring "Auntie" Anne Beiler [Podcast Transcript]

Podcast Date: December 2, 2025

Listen Here: 

Description

This deeply moving episode of Compared to Who? features Anne Beiler, the original creator of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, as she shares her powerful personal story of trauma, loss, and ultimately, healing. Host Heather Creekmore guides a vulnerable discussion on the profound role confession plays in emotional and spiritual recovery, especially after devastating events.

What’s Inside:

• Anne's humble beginnings growing up Amish and lessons on hard work that later inspired Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.
• The tragic loss of her young daughter and how this event marked the beginning of her struggle with spiritual confusion, grief, and “the life of pretense.”
• Anne Beiler honestly recounts the pain and consequences of being taken advantage of by a pastor, the isolation of living with secrets, and the burden of shame and guilt.
• The breaking point: how years of carrying trauma and secrecy led her to the brink, and how her journey shifted the moment she bravely confessed the truth to her husband.
• Practical steps and biblical wisdom around confession, including
• Anne Beiler's “new view of confession” based on James 5:16—confessing faults to one another as a path toward true healing.
• The three types of confession: Anne identifies as keys to lasting freedom: private (bedside) with God, journaling, and verbal confession to another trusted person.

• Encouragement and actionable advice for anyone carrying burdens, trauma, or secrets: You are not meant to walk alone.

Key Takeaways:

• Confession is not just about admitting wrongdoing; it’s about reclaiming connection, authenticity, and health—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

• Secrets and shame fester in isolation, but openness (even when terrifying) is the beginning of transformation and hope.

• Healing from trauma often requires courage to take responsibility, to stop blaming others, and to believe you’re worthy of freedom and forgiveness.

• The body truly does “keep score”—emotional pain can manifest physically, but light begins to pierce the darkness the moment you step into honesty and connection.

Resources Mentioned:

• James 5:16 and 1 John’s call to “walk in the light as He is in the light”

• Book recommendation: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk(Amazon affiliate link)

Connect & Learn More:

• Find more about Anne Beiler, one of the WeShare ambassadors, and her advocacy for healing and wholeness.

• Looking for an alternative to traditional health insurance? Visit weshare.org/heather for a free quote and exclusive enrollment benefits.

Final Encouragement: If you are struggling with secrets, shame, or trauma, let today be the day you take a courageous step. Find someone to connect with, be brutally honest about your pain, and embrace the freedom that comes from confession and community.

**This episode was part of a paid partnership with WeShare: Healthcare by UHSM. 

Visit: weshare.org/heather for a free quote or to learn more about this Christian healthshare company.

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Transcript

Disclaimer: This transcript is AI-generated and has not been edited for accuracy or clarity.

Heather Creekmore [00:00:02]:
Today I am so excited, my friends, to have with me the queen of pretzels. I mean, I can. I could not read your bio without being hungry for an Auntie Anne's pretzel. But today I'm so thrilled to be sitting down with Ann Beyler, the founders creator of Annie Ann's Pretzels. You heard her full bio in the introduction. But Ann, you've done so much more than just pretzels. And I'm just so thrilled for this opportunity to sit down with you today.

Anne Beiler [00:00:33]:
Well, thank you so much, Heather, for the opportunity to be on your podcast. And I really hope there's a mall really close to you so you can go get you one of Auntie Ann's pretzels to satisfy that need.

Heather Creekmore [00:00:44]:
I mean, like, that could be a whole episode. Like, how did you create a pretzel that was just so. Just like. You just know that taste and you crave that taste. Man, that's amazing.

Anne Beiler [00:00:58]:
I can dive right into that if you want. Yeah, go for it. Well, so, so how did I create that kind of a product is. I think it really goes all the way back to my, my upbringing. My mom and dad, there were eight of us kids, we grew up at an Amish farm. And in that environment, you learn how to work and you become very responsible at a very young age. And I look back at that and I'm so grateful. Mom and dad never abused us, they never forced labored us, you know, they just taught us the value of, of work.

Anne Beiler [00:01:29]:
And also the reward of a job well done is pleasing mom and dad. And, you know, and then when you do a really good job, you feel good inside, right? And so as a very young girl, my parents would always go to farmers markets. For a number of years they went to Philadelphia and it was about two and a half hours from our home, so. But every Thursday night, my mom, the only time mom wasn't at home as far as she was a housewife and helped on the farm and took care of all eight of the kids. But that was the only night of the week that she was gone. And I remember clearly when I was 11 and 12, I would come home from school and there was a note on the kitchen table and it would say Annabeth's when it was Anna. And she would always call me Annabeth when there was a chore to be done, which was a lot. And she had on this list of the pies and the cakes that I needed to make that evening in our farmhouse basement.

Anne Beiler [00:02:25]:
And my dad had bought a Huge pizza oven that could bake anywhere from probably 20, 30, 40, maybe pies. Like at one time, 8 inch pies. And so that was my job every Thursday night by myself. Even though there was seven siblings around, that was my job. And so I would do that every Thursday night. And the next morning, my dad, I would help him pack up the pies for market on Friday. And he had a pie box, and we'd be sliding the pies into this box and he would always just say, these look so good, annabeth. And there was never like, I'm so proud of you.

Anne Beiler [00:03:01]:
I love you. I'm. I'm nothing like that. But I've always said my parents, even though I believe those words are very important, that was certainly not in the culture in that era. And what was most important to me, as I look back on that, was mom and dad's lives. They shouted it out to us every day. We care about you. We will provide for you.

Anne Beiler [00:03:26]:
We're here for you. And so my dad would always just comment, kind of like, wow, Annabeth, these pies are look really good today. I hope I can sell them at the market. So at a very young age, I was always in tune with cooking and baking in the kitchen. I was the baker and the cook as well in the kitchen with my mom. And I was always very aware of what the. At the dinner table, the this is really good, or I don't like this, or so I don't know, it sounds silly, but I learned at a very young age, when something is really good, that's what you want to keep doing over and over and over again. So when we started doing pretzels, we bought a store in Downingtown, which you might be familiar with that area, and it was at a farmer's market.

Anne Beiler [00:04:11]:
And we bought a store that, that had. We bought his store's sight unseen. But when we got there, we realized that they're selling pretzels. I didn't know anything about pretzels, and by that time I was 40 years old. And so we used the recipe that was in the store, okay. And the pretzels were horrible. And after maybe six, eight weeks, I can't remember exactly, but weeks of being in the store. One Friday morning, I said to my husband, I'm going to take the pretzels off the menu because they're horrible.

Anne Beiler [00:04:42]:
And I'm just going to do pizza and strombolis and ice cream and drinks and whatever else we had in this in the store. And he said, well, before you give up on that. Let me see. He said, maybe we could tweak the recipe somehow to where we come up with a good soft press. And I was very, very frustrated by that. And I said, well, okay, if that's what you. If you think you can do something to make this pretzel better, then go for it. So he takes his apron and his hat off.

Anne Beiler [00:05:07]:
I'll never forget it. Goes to the store, come back 30 minutes later with some ingredients, and we added those to the. To the recipe that we had. And in one hour, we had Auntie Ann's pretzels. Wow. And me, the little girl in me was like, I knew this was unbelievable. I didn't even understand how the ingredients he put in there. Pretzels.

Anne Beiler [00:05:33]:
So wonderful. So that's why Auntie Anne's. Why Auntie's was started, because my husband was very interested in marriage counseling, and he was doing free counseling. After we'd gone through all of our things in our life, the trauma and the tragedies, he started counseling as a free service. And so I would. My. I know I have a. That's kind of a long answer, but even though you didn't even ask that question, but I.

Anne Beiler [00:05:56]:
I just, you know, found myself in this place of honoring Jonas, and I wanted to. I wanted to make the money to pay the bills, for that would have been the first time in my life, because in the tradition of Amish and Mennonite Amish homes in particular, you know, the woman. The wife, stays in the house and takes care of the kids and does all the inside stuff. And so for me to want to go to work and support the family was very, very unusual. But I knew that's what I. I wanted to do it to honor Jonas, and I wanted to do it because I felt like that was the right thing for me to do. So he continued counseling free of charge for. Through Auntie Anne's for almost 20.

Anne Beiler [00:06:33]:
20 years. Yeah. And. Yeah. So I love that that's how we came up. I love that.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:39]:
Well, I feel like I just got some insider information here. Yes, you did the start of Annie Anne's. I love that.

Anne Beiler [00:06:45]:
But.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:45]:
And you mentioned, like, trauma, hard stuff. Like, I know the story wasn't all smooth.

Anne Beiler [00:06:52]:
That's right.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:53]:
What were. What did struggle look like for you? Like, through that time, before that time, and. And what made you so passionate about helping women be. Well.

Anne Beiler [00:07:04]:
Well, I could relate to women. I'm. I'm very in tune with the issues that we carry and that we struggle with. Growing up at the farm, I was A happy little girl. I as the middle of three girls and there were five boys, but I was the kind of the. I was always busy and always talking and always very social and very wanted to plan things, make sure there was peace in. In the home and all those things, and never knew or dreamed about a life that would be any other way. And as an early teen adolescent, I really adopted that theology that nobody really said this to me, but I came to the conclusion that life is good and God is harsh.

Anne Beiler [00:07:58]:
And the reason I felt that way was because it was really important in the Amish and the Amish Mennonite tradition. You know, you keep all the Ten Commandments and serve God and please him. And so we didn't have any real traumatic experiences on the farm, thankfully. So I knew I wanted to please God. And I believed through all the teaching and Bible study, Bible schools and Sunday school, and all the things that I. Ann Byler I wanted to please my parents and I wanted to please God. And I believed that if I didn't keep all the commandments and if I didn't do it just right, then God would be displeased with me. That's where my.

Anne Beiler [00:08:38]:
The thought that God is harsh comes in. Okay, listen, Heather, I know that is bad theology now, but. But it felt normal for me, right? I never imagined experiencing anything but that. And, you know, so I wanted to be a good girl. And. And I was a good girl. And so I think as women, we often. We have these dreams and these.

Anne Beiler [00:09:02]:
These aspirations and these hopes and. And many of us find ourselves, you know, it's a phone call away. Sometimes I say, you know, tragedy can happen to anyone at any time, and it's. It's within a second that it can change someone's life. And so we have these dreams and hopes and. And when we experience shattered dreams, it's. It puts us in a place that we're not familiar with. And so what I know today is that over seven decades now of real life's experiences, and the women that are in your audience, they've experienced many of them, I'm sure, real life's experiences and how do we respond to that.

Anne Beiler [00:09:42]:
And so what I note today is that life is hard. God is good no matter what happens to us. That is the solid foundation that I'm on today. And even though I don't understand God's ways, I. I don't. He's mysterious. He's not human. But I feel and I sense his.

Anne Beiler [00:10:09]:
His love and his nearness to me in those times when Things are not the way I dreamed they would be. And so that is really has been my hope and my. My keeping. It's what kept me. And the tragedy for us was we were married about six, seven years. And I was a good girl, I was a good wife. I was going to church every Sunday, doing all the right things, Heather, you know, and I don't mean that in like a super spiritual kind of a way. It's just I didn't even think about it in those ways then.

Anne Beiler [00:10:50]:
You know, hindsight is. Helps us understand things better. And so life was joy, nothing but pure joy. We had just really recommitted our lives to Christ. And we were youth pastors now. We'd gone from Amish to Amish, Mennonite to Mennonite to charismatic. So we'd been around the block, you know, and spiritually though we'd been. We just were hungry for God.

Anne Beiler [00:11:18]:
And so starting and being part of that church, we were youth pastors, pastors. And the greatest joy of our life at that point and the two daughters that we had. And life couldn't have been better. And in a split second, in a moment on a Monday morning, we had guests in our home and had made breakfast for them. And they were on their way out of our double wide trailer at that time. And Angela, our youngest daughter, 19 months old in 12 days, and our oldest daughter had just turned 4. And they just walked out the front door and I. I watched them go.

Anne Beiler [00:11:54]:
And that morning I did not have. I didn't change their diaper. My youngest, the Angela's diaper, I didn't change her. She was still in her nightgown and. But the business of the morning just distracted me. And I watched them walk up to my mom's house. We lived on a farm and they just lived up the lane little ways. And between our homes was a.

Anne Beiler [00:12:13]:
A barn. My dad was making stone siding. My sister would drive a Bobcat, loading and unloading sand and that. So it was a normal morning in that way. And they would always go up. So I went back to the phone and was telling my mom, they're on their way. And before I could dial the rotary phone on the wall at that time, I heard this just intense piercing screaming, which I had never heard in my entire life. And I knew in my heart in that moment, I knew that Angela Joy was gone.

Anne Beiler [00:12:48]:
And I Tragedy. When it strikes, we don't even. Sometimes we don't know what to do or how to react or how to respond. You just respond. And so I ran to My front door. My dad was coming back from where she had. Where I'd seen her last. He was right at that very spot.

Anne Beiler [00:13:10]:
But he was carrying Angela. And she. And he kept wailing, she's dead. She's dead. My. My heart and the soul of me in that moment. Many mamas understand this. Many women lose their children.

Anne Beiler [00:13:28]:
And it's tragic and traumatic. And in that moment, I knew that Angela was already in the arms of Jesus. I believed that in that moment, which, in a strange way, in my trauma, that comforted me. But at the same time, that was. I began my very slow and gradual descent into a world of spiritual confusion and emotional pain. And. And I think, I believe from my own experience that many of us respond in the same way, like. Like we don't understand why.

Anne Beiler [00:14:04]:
And my husband and I, who we. We'd been very close, we became very distant. Loved each other, but didn't know how to comfort each other, how to even talk about it. So I decided I want to be strong. The youth pastor's wife. I want to be strong for our four year old. And so on the inside I became. I began falling apart.

Anne Beiler [00:14:26]:
And the truth is, dying. Dying is not really. It's really not the greatest tragedy, but it's what dies inside of us while we live that's tragic. And so I think that that's the case for many, many, many people, because we don't know where to go and what to do when tragedy and trauma become a part of our life. It doesn't come and go now. It doesn't actually don't have to come and stay forever, but it comes and it lodges in our body, soul and spirit and it impacts who we become. Ann Biler changed that day. I didn't know that, but I.

Anne Beiler [00:15:15]:
I began to feel the weight of the trauma and the disappointment and the trying to be strong. And on the inside, I'm feeling weak and trying to pretend that everything's okay now. It's okay all the time, you know, longing. You wish life was the way it was. You wish life would get back to the way it was. And that was the beginning of my journey of just great sadness. I do have a very happy ending, but we'll get to that when you're ready for that.

Heather Creekmore [00:15:49]:
I don't know if I want you to leave us in suspense, but I do want to. I mean it. Like, even though not everyone has lost a child, like you said, I do feel like there's a common grace in those things that happen in our lives that take us from being A good girl, like you mentioned, right?

Anne Beiler [00:16:11]:
The.

Heather Creekmore [00:16:12]:
Hey, I'm just being good. I'm being good like God. Don't you see? I'm being good. Like, everything's gonna go good because I'm being good to, like. Wait a second here. It tests our theology. Like, we go from a theology of, like, okay, God, our deal was, I'm good, so then you are good. And then I get good to, like, whoa, he's bigger than all that.

Anne Beiler [00:16:37]:
It. It's so. It. It confuses us. You know, I. I don't. I. I think that's the problem.

Anne Beiler [00:16:45]:
We. We get confused about who. Who is God? And why did God. Right. And when. In my opinion now, there are no quick answers. Right. Although I've learned in the last years, since that day, to this day, I've learned a lot of things, and that's what I love to talk about and what I share, the things that gave me life.

Anne Beiler [00:17:14]:
But in. In that moment and for a couple of months after Angie was killed, I never cried in front of anyone because I wanted people to think, see, it's so ridiculous. You know, I was. I began the life of pretense. I just was pretending that everything was okay. That's a very, very hard way to live. And in time. So my pastor came to me a few.

Anne Beiler [00:17:40]:
Two, three months after Angela was killed and just said, come to my office and we'll talk. And, wow. I was, like, delighted that somebody actually wanted to talk to me. And. And we had a loving church and loving family and all the things that you would imagine. Right, Right. But I'm in the middle of all of it, and you almost feel unseen. You feel like nobody sees you, nobody knows you.

Anne Beiler [00:18:04]:
Right. And so anyway, I went with. To his office, and he took advantage of me. After we talked about an hour. Well, at the end of that, as I was leaving, after I left his office, I just stood outside the door, and I'm like. I didn't understand what happened. I'm 27 years old, but I'm like, what did he just do? But I made a choice that I would never tell. And, Heather, I would never have known in that moment that the one choice that I made that morning to keep a secret, it would enslave me in the world of sexual abuse with the pastor for almost seven years.

Anne Beiler [00:18:46]:
You know, every time I say that, it sounds so unbelievable. The shackles of the dark world. It was not my fault that I was abused, but. And the choice in the moment, I thought was the only option for me. I can't tell My husband, I never kept a secret from him. I can't tell any. Nobody would believe me. And so that became the greatest lie that Satan implant.

Anne Beiler [00:19:12]:
I mean, it was the. The lie that from that moment I totally believed. The lie that nobody would understand and I can't tell anyone. And that's called It's a secret. And the shackles of that were. Took me into a whole. A whole other world of continuing to make bad choices and continuing to live that choice out for almost seven years and enjoyed that time. And I.

Anne Beiler [00:19:39]:
I understand the feelings of. I knew. I didn't just think. I knew. Totally believed that I was unlovable, I was unchangeable. I would never be able to go back to the Ann Biler I was and wanted to be. And also knew I was unforgivable. And it was such a heavy burden to bear.

Anne Beiler [00:20:03]:
At the age of 34, 4 or 33, I really felt like taking my life was. Was an option for me two or three times. It was very, very heavy on me. And because it's so crazy when you go into the dark world, Satan gives you all the tools that you need to stay there, because that's where he wants you, there in this dark place. And as I contemplated taking my life and that seemed like an easier or better option than actually telling somebody the truth. And so that's. That's how dark it gets. And my encouragement to anyone is we were not meant to carry the things I'm talking about in our body for long periods of time.

Anne Beiler [00:20:57]:
Right alone. We were meant to be in connection with one another and so therefore bear you one another's burdens. And so in that you fulfill the law of Christ. Yes. By loving openly and sharing the deepest and the darkest parts of your life. Because everything that happened to me and to you is. It's in. It stays in your body.

Anne Beiler [00:21:25]:
It's not. It doesn't, like, go away somewhere out in the open air, blows away with the wind. No, it settles right in our body. And during those seven years, I. I was a shell of a. I became a shell of a woman. I didn't know how to converse anymore. Whole conversations really socialize.

Anne Beiler [00:21:46]:
I isolated myself. Oh, I kept doing all the right things. I kept going to church. I kept being a mom. I actually had another baby. During that time. Life looked normal. But I was a shell.

Anne Beiler [00:21:58]:
I weighed 90 pounds. And again, the. The anger that I felt toward God because why. Why did you let this happen to me? Toward my husband, who didn't know what to do with me, didn't know how, really how to care for me. He loved me. Never was, not one time was he ever unkind and angry at the. The pastor. That anger then turned inward.

Anne Beiler [00:22:27]:
Eventually. Me, I was. I hated who I had become. You love your neighbor as you love yourself in that. In that way, in that place, that deep root of anger and hatred. And. Oh, on the outside, though, I was still kind. I'm just saying I wasn't like a mean, crazy woman.

Anne Beiler [00:22:47]:
I was still quiet and. And. And I. I became very quiet, and I was still kind. We never. My husband. I never had a verbal fight. So holding all of this in is.

Anne Beiler [00:23:01]:
Is a very, very difficult way to live. And in that way, in that place, then in this condition, we become unhealthy. My stomach was churning. I thought I had ulcers. I went to the doctor twice because I thought I was having a heart attack. My back was searing with my shoulders hurt. My knees were puckling. Honestly, my body was falling apart from the inside out.

Anne Beiler [00:23:31]:
And that's what happens over time. That's what happened to me. Yeah. And during. At the very end of all that is the good news is the principle of confession. I call it the new view of confession found in James 5:16. And James simply says, if you'll confess your faults, your struggle, your sin, your thoughts, your. Your issues, one to another, and pray, then you'll be healed.

Anne Beiler [00:24:05]:
It sounds so simple, but I want to say it sounds easy, but it's very, very difficult in that place when you're his place to actually be able to do that takes. It's almost a supernatural act. And for me, it was a. After seven years of praying by my bedside, weeping and asking Jesus, please deliver me, my deliverance came. It began the moment I went and told my husband at his little body shop in Troup, Texas, I told him my secret. Only two lines I could. There was nothing inside of me but two lines. And my last line was, the church was falling apart now, and rumors were starting to surface.

Anne Beiler [00:24:53]:
And so that's why I went to tell my husband, and I just said, you heard about the. The pastor and all the women. I'm one of those women, and I'm sorry, and I'm a sorry person. And the look on his face was. I didn't give him one moment to respond. I couldn't bear the look. And I turned and walked away because I knew for sure that Jonas would come home that night and divorce me. That was the only thing I believed that so intently.

Anne Beiler [00:25:29]:
And I went home and I just fell in on My. On my bed, and the girls were in school, and I just wept. And I realized that what I had experienced. Now he has to deal with all the brokenness in my life, and that's what I was really hoping would never happen. Right. I kind of thought that Jesus and I would pray this through. Yeah. And during that time, I realized there's three types of confession.

Anne Beiler [00:25:55]:
One, his bedside. We talk to Jesus all the time. And that's always. That's. That's always good. Always. Right. We can do that all the time.

Anne Beiler [00:26:05]:
No matter. And the second form of confession was journaling. And then the third form was the wanted other confession. And those are the three types of confession now that I still use to this day, because it keeps me free. And the moment that I told Janice my secret, I. I began to. There was. There was something began to lift off of me and almost fall off of me.

Anne Beiler [00:26:32]:
It was not an instant healing. It was years of counseling, but it was the beginning of a new life. From. From darkness. I had pushed through all of the darkness that morning. I pushed through it all on my way out to his shop, crying, my palms sweating, my heart racing. I'm just like, I can't do this. But Holy Spirit inside of me never left me once during that time.

Anne Beiler [00:26:57]:
That's the good news. And because of him, he gave me the courage to do what I did that morning.

Heather Creekmore [00:27:07]:
Wow. And thank you for sharing all of that. And we didn't plan this word for word, but you have no idea how you really just spoke to. I know a lot of the members of my audience. I mean, I'm meeting with women all the time who were carrying similar secrets. And, you know, in one of our coaching sessions, they'll tell me, this is the first time they've told anyone. And it has an impact on every aspect of their health.

Anne Beiler [00:27:39]:
Right.

Heather Creekmore [00:27:39]:
Of course, there's the spiritual impact of carrying that.

Anne Beiler [00:27:43]:
Right.

Heather Creekmore [00:27:44]:
And, you know, of course, most of them are talking to the Lord about it, praying, thank God, take it away from me. God, heal me. This. I. I want to stop thinking about this. I don't want to feel this heaviness, this darkness. But what you just said there about confessing, I mean, you know, and I think you. You may have helped someone get free today.

Anne Beiler [00:28:05]:
Wow. So I really hope. I mean, I pray, Heather, because that's why I tell my story. Because when you share your story, I'm telling you, the door opens wide, people come to you. They will tell you anything. In a. In a split second, they'll tell you their life like When I'm out speaking, like in a very short time, they tell me everything, even though it's only a minute or two long, right? We are longing as women. We want to be known, and yet we're scared to death.

Anne Beiler [00:28:39]:
Because if you really know me, what are you going to think of me, right? And I don't understand God's ways, but, but I, I, I be, I've learned to understand, like I said earlier, the choice that we make today is the life we'll live tomorrow. That, that's, it's so true. Good and bad choices, right? I mean, I told you the story about Aunt Anne's, how we bought a store sight unseen. The choice I made in that moment was the life that I began to live and live that life for the rest of my life. So, good or bad. And I think that we're, we're quick to, maybe quick to talk about maybe what others have done to us, who hurt us, but it took me a long time to talk about what I, how I responded and, and how that kept me in this life of abuse. And I feel like the moment that I told Jonas, it's, it's like I took responsibility for my life. And as long as I was blaming the pastor, God, who, whoever else made the whole world was, the whole world was to blame, in my opinion.

Anne Beiler [00:30:01]:
And for those seven years, I, I think that we disconnect. God never leaves, but we push him aside because we don't understand why he lets this happen and why, why God does, why Jesus doesn't deliver me when I'm asking and begging, begging him to deliver me. But I, I think that I understand better now is that he wants us to take responsibility and work out our own salvation, our own life. Stop blaming. As long as I'm blaming, I will not be healed. And if I don't tell, I will never be. Well, I fully believe that. If I would never have told, I would never, I would never be bold to be able to share my story.

Anne Beiler [00:30:50]:
Oh, the shame. The shame of it all. That's the whole, that's the peak. That's the, that's, that's what almost kills you, like, the shame. How do you get over the shame of it all? Like, in this lifestyle that I was in, going to church every Sunday, I mean, I look normal, but I sit on the pew every Sunday and I worship the Lord in the body of Christ, and that's okay. I honestly, I don't know if I would have survived if I wouldn't have continued to just be somehow in the Fellowship of people, that the body of Christ. And so when you begin to open up and you begin to tell and you begin to walk in the light. I love a verse that I think is in.

Anne Beiler [00:31:38]:
First John says that walk in the light as he is in the light now. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, there are no secrets there. I'm just saying they live in the light. Walk in the light as he's in the light. And then you will have fellowship, then you will connect. And then the third part of that is then you will be cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ. Starts with living in the light, connecting with one another. And the moment I told Jonas, I, I can't explain it, except that I began to feel connected, as strained as it was.

Anne Beiler [00:32:23]:
But there was, There was an open path now. The door was open too late. And I began to feel the days, the coming days. The burden was lifted and the waves of the cleansing began to happen in my heart. But Heather, I still live with a lot of shame. For many years, I couldn't bear the thought that I had abandoned my children emotionally in their growing up years. And the shame of that, you know, Satan will take everything and he will beat you. He.

Anne Beiler [00:33:04]:
There's no end to. He's relentless. So, yeah, I told my secret and I was beginning to have a relationship with my husband and the family was. We're starting to be okay again. But the shame of it all stayed with me. And this is what, what I want your audience to hear. The shame is, is almost the last straw. It is a straw that will break your back if you continue to be ashamed of what you did.

Anne Beiler [00:33:32]:
And it was in the year 2003, and that was like 28 years after Angela was killed. And I had gone to my counselor and once again I had Jonas. And I had to tell Jonas another secret in my life because I was carrying some other things that I thought I could manage on my own. And something came out in our lives again. And we went to see our psychiatrist in Akron, Ohio. And when I came home, I, I just was devastated. One more time, like, why? How could I do this to Jonas? And I'm feeling Satan's just like sitting right on my shoulders because I had made so much progress, was doing so well, Jonas and I both. And he was shouting in my ear, you are not the kind of person people think you are.

Anne Beiler [00:34:22]:
You, oh sure, you may be, auntie, and everybody thinks you're amazing, but you're, you are total failure. And these, his voice kept, I kept almost drowned in that voice. And I felt Myself going down this spiral hole of depression. I was very familiar with depression. And that morning as I'm. I began to weep. I said, I just. I can't go down there again.

Anne Beiler [00:34:43]:
I can't go into that world again. I refuse. And I was just distraught. In the middle of all that, Jesus. Not audibly, but I'm telling you, he interrupted my thoughts. And he said to me, and I've done everything for you there is to do. He said, I came from heaven to planet earth to live among men and women. He gave me his history, what he did for me.

Anne Beiler [00:35:13]:
I died on the cross, arose again. I shed my blood for you. At the very end, he said, I have done all there is to do. There is nothing left for me to do for you. Anne, will you forgive yourself? I cannot tell you. In that moment, I never thought about forgiving me. But shame is really hating yourself. That was my experience.

Anne Beiler [00:35:40]:
And in that moment, I. I collapsed to the floor, wept like I had never wept. And all I could say was, yes, I will. Yes, I forgive myself. That was the moment. When everything changed for me. I can't explain it. From that day to this day, I've never once felt guilt.

Anne Beiler [00:36:08]:
I've never once felt the shame of what I did. That's why I can tell my story. It was lifted because Jesus not only paid for my sin, he carried my shame. He paid a really big price for us to live fully. Yes. And that's why today I love the truth. And the fact that I've gone from darkness into this amazing light. I can't explain it, but it gets brighter and bigger.

Anne Beiler [00:36:42]:
There's no end to the light of God. That once you. Once you find yourself there, there's more. There's more. And I keep my. Myself free by being open and honest. By confession, journaling, or by praying, journaling, or making a confession. No matter how small or big that might.

Anne Beiler [00:37:08]:
Might be, the confession is always the hardest thing to do. Like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry I made you feel bad. Even sometimes somebody may hurt me, and I'll go back to them and say, because I can't get over it. So the Lord has helped me to even go to someone that's hurt me by words that they said if I couldn't get over it. Right. It just stays in your belly.

Anne Beiler [00:37:31]:
It just stays in your gut, and you can't stop thinking about it. That's when I know it's time for me to make a verbal confession. And I keep my life Free. Yeah. And that. That makes a healthy life. And I know your podcast is about outward. Some of the struggles that we face as women.

Anne Beiler [00:37:50]:
My struggles have been internal, but I'm telling you, when the internal is the external and the internal are one in the same. That's. That's the goal. That's the goal. Yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:38:04]:
I think all of our external struggles come from our internal struggles. So that's exactly nail on the head. And just, you know, and thinking about confession. You know, I heard when my husband was getting ready to go to ministry years and years ago, one of his professors at seminary made the statement, keep short accounts with God.

Anne Beiler [00:38:26]:
Oh, yeah, I love that.

Heather Creekmore [00:38:27]:
And I think that's kind of what you're talking about.

Anne Beiler [00:38:30]:
Absolutely.

Heather Creekmore [00:38:30]:
Don't let it fester, because you're right, the body does hold it. You know, we know from science now like that.

Anne Beiler [00:38:36]:
Yes.

Heather Creekmore [00:38:36]:
Reinforces what scripture says. The body keeps the score. Right. You are holding on to those things in your body. Definitely.

Anne Beiler [00:38:44]:
And that's a great book to read. The body keep score. If. If you're familiar with that book. Yeah. The body keep score. Yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:38:52]:
Well, Anne, thank you so much. You've, you know, you've had quite a journey. I appreciate you sharing that journey with us. You know what, what would you like to leave our listeners with today? They're, you know, maybe going through a dark place or just trying to be healthier. Right. We're about to enter a new year where everyone's thinking about how to be healthier in the new year. What do you suggest?

Anne Beiler [00:39:18]:
I just think, you know, make the good choices, you know, some of the simple things for living a healthy life. I know from my own experience, I've. I've done some things that have helped me. The Bible says everything is okay in moderation. Right. And I think that no sugar. I know this. Everybody knows this.

Anne Beiler [00:39:41]:
No sugar in our diets can. Can make a world of this, a world of difference. And just recently, I experienced a uti. And my holistic doctor said, no alcohol and no sugar. Zero. None. And listen, in 12 days, no sugar, no alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic or anything like that, but anything sweet, nothing sweet for 12 days.

Anne Beiler [00:40:06]:
And I lost four pounds. I'm not trying. I wasn't trying to lose weight. But the good news about that was I felt so good. No sugar. So, you know, that's a very small thing, but I also believe to be. Well, we have to connect with one another. And so for women, please find someone that you can connect with and begin to be open and honest.

Anne Beiler [00:40:30]:
It will change your life over time. I think it's a biblical concept principle and we can at least start there. Be brutally honest about how you feel about yourself and in particularly the things that you hate about you. What is it that you don't like about yourself? We could all, we all have a list, I think, or, you know, my list has gone shorter. But be brutally honest about how you feel about yourself and stop pointing the finger at everyone else.

Heather Creekmore [00:41:01]:
That's good.

Anne Beiler [00:41:02]:
It's. It's my life. It's my body. God gave me this body to carry his presence. And we all have a story to tell. Open up your life to, to him. That's good. That's good.

Heather Creekmore [00:41:15]:
Well, Ann, thank you so much for being on the show today.

Anne Beiler [00:41:18]:
Thank you for having me. Heather really enjoyed being here and thank.

Heather Creekmore [00:41:22]:
You for watching or listening today. I hope something today has helped you stop comparing and start living. Bye bye.

Anne Beiler [00:41:28]:
Amen. Amen.